Face not Embrace

Hello, old heartache, familiar friend.  Tisn’t been long, but has been longer than before.  I must say, I’ve come to expect you and am no longer as shocked by your appearances.  I now know you’re not an enemy to be feared but rather a part of me, a part of life, and I shall treat you as such.  I choose to face you, but I will not embrace you.  I will not allow you to control my day or bombard my thoughts.  This doesn’t change the depth of pain or the sorrow I feel.  The ache of unfulfilled dreams and the longing for something more, something better, still tug at my heart.  My innermost being still cannot comprehend the tragedy you represent, and my brain cannot process the changes that have come because of it.

There are many who seem so far ahead of me in the healing process – how I long to be farther than where I am!  So many days I feel like I am all alone.  Yet I see in my life and heart the progress I have made, by God’s grace, and I’m humbled that He’s never let me down or let me go.  He has used you to teach me so many lessons, and I don’t think I would trade any of them.  Yes, I often have thought I would rather not see you so much or ever, for that matter; but I know that you bring with you the peace and presence of my Father in ways that I could never have imagined.

I’m so grateful to know that I don’t have to live with the stigma of depression or loneliness, for it is a part of life, for some people more than others.  I don’t have to be ashamed or embarrassed of what my past holds or the hurt it has brought me, but rather I can talk about it.  I can expose you - the ugly part of my life - and perhaps, bring comfort to someone who is living with their own ugly.  Maybe a forgotten soul or someone who has never been allowed or encouraged to speak up will know that it is okay to recognize pain and to feel it. 

You aren’t a good friend, and you’re no fun to be around.  But, you are a real part of life; a part that is so often hidden or ignored, which I believe only strengthens your resolve and gives you power you don’t deserve.  So I will face you, not embrace you.  I will not tremble when I feel you coming.  I may dislike, even loathe you, when I see you.  But I will face you head on, knowing that I have God on my side; and He will face you with me, as He has always done.

Hello, old heartache, familiar friend.  I feel you fighting me today.  I will face you but not embrace you.

6,001

A couple days ago, I was notified by facebook that one of my friends had “liked” a sponsored post – a quote by a company that pays to have their posts seen and that several hundred or thousand other people have liked.  I often bypass these posts, ignoring them much less “liking” them.  However, this was something I actually agreed with, so I stopped long enough to consider giving it the thumbs up.  That’s when I saw it – the perfectly beautiful, even roundness of how many had liked it before me: 6,000.  In less time than it takes you to read this sentence, I realized that I could quickly click the button and watch it change before someone else did the same.  After all, hundreds more were probably reading it and preparing to click their mouses (or is it “mice” when referring to computers, also?) at the very same second!  So, to satisfy my desire to see it change knowing that it wouldn’t stay that nice round number for long, I clicked the button and watched it change to 6,001.  Of course, within seconds, it shot up to 6,022 then over 6,100.  I was so grateful for the split second decision I made, because yes, I take pleasure in little neurotic things like that.

In fact, I take things in lots of neurotic things – symmetry, patterns, smoothness, straight lines.  I love to watch home improvement or decorating shows where they arrange photo frames in a crazy shape on the wall or put some really abstract piece of art on the wall.  However, I’ve tried it at home, and it hasn’t been very successful.  I’ve branched out a little in my fashion choices to a few asymmetrical tops or skirts cut on the bias, but it is rare.  I am known for buying bracelet, earring, and necklace sets that are identical.  I love jewelry and am learning how to accessorize without being “matchy-matchy,” but let’s face it – 20-something years of a habit is a lot to break.

I love to be around people, but I also really like to sit on the couch in my pjs eating and watching tv.  I feel accomplished when I have a clean house, but I am by no means winning a Good Housekeeping Seal of Approval!  While I’ve been unemployed for nearly 4 months, God has been speaking to me about a lot of issues, but this one especially lately – He has been talking to me about being thankful for the character traits/habits I have that I so often fight as sins which can also be useful.

While being lazy is certainly not generally a desirable quality, I’ve found it useful when fighting countless illnesses or multiple-day migraines.  I certainly get cabin fever and feel tired of being sick and in bed, but it at least takes me a couple days to get to that point.  My love of watching tv and dvds has served me well when spending hours upon hours in pain, trying to distract my mind from the insomnia and being bed-ridden that goes with that.

More than once, I’ve been grateful for the planning and organizational skills God has given me in packing for a move or a trip.  These neurotic tendencies, as some people describe them, have also helped me in various office settings where I’ve been employed.  And for sure, these come in handy being a homeschooling mom.

The last thing I’d like to mention today is that I talk too much.  Yes, I’m aware of it, for those of you who were considering setting up an anonymous tip line. J  And although I certainly need to learn when to be quiet and control my mouth, I know that part of my personality allows me to make friends easily.  It has allowed me to form deep bonds with people in various settings, and I hope someday will allow me to become a speaker/minister should God see fit.

There is nothing deep or revealing about this blog.  I just want to encourage you to look for the things about yourself that can so easily become stumblingblocks/sins or even the traits you just may not like, and try to find ways to use them to benefit you and others.  Turn those negatives into positives, and use them for God’s glory rather than letting Satan use them for your demise!