Captivating? Me? (Part One)

I was not part of the pretty or popular girls growing up. I made straight A's without studying, didn't go to movie theaters, didn't wear makeup or date, and had parents who were on staff at the church and Christian school. My dad was the principal and wanted any guy interested in me to go through him, and there were not really any takers. When I was 14, a guy I met in a different state wrote my dad and asked if he could correspond with me through letters, and my dad said "Yes." We wrote back and forth for a couple years, and once he even came to El Paso and met my parents. However, he made some bad choices and ended up going to jail for a while. My senior year of high school, I met Dustin, and he quickly showed an interest in pursuing me. I tried to hold him at bay because I was already enrolled in Pensacola Christian College in Pensacola, FL. However, my feelings changed quickly, and we began dating. Most of our relationship was long distance, as he went to a college in California.

At the age of 20, with an Associate's Degree in hand, I married him, feeling pursued, adored, worshipped even, but I don't think truly beautiful. In the first 18 months of our marriage, I had gained quite a bit of weight, and I gained a lot more once I became pregnant with Mikaela. The week before she was born, on our second wedding anniversary, our apartment burned down. I was so devastated and traumatized, and I often wonder what would have happened to me if I had not had Mikaela to take care of. However, I could easily see and recognize God's Faithful Hand of protection and provision. It took me a long time to get over what had happened, though, and I had nightmares about it for over a year. In 2006, I began online classes for medical transcription, to "refresh" what I had learned for my degree and aim towards working at home. I felt happy with life and loved being a stay-home mom to my beautiful baby girl, but often had low self-esteem because of the extra baby weight that I struggled to lose.

II Corinthians 4:6-12

"For God, who commanded the light to shine out of darkness, hath shined in our hearts, to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ.
But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellency of the power may be of God, and not of us.
WE ARE TROUBLED ON EVERY SIDE, YET NOT DISTRESSED; WE ARE PERPLEXED, BUT NOT IN DESPAIR
PERSECUTED, BUT NOT FORSAKEN; CAST DOWN, BUT NOT DESTROYED.
Always bearing about in the body the dying of the Lord Jesus, that the life also of Jesus might be made manifest in our body.
For we which live are alway delivered unto death for Jesus' sake, that the life also of Jesus might be made manifest in our mortal flesh.
So then death worketh in us, but life in you."

Wow! Would to God that I could live like I truly believe and feel these verses! Really encouraging and challenging to me!

Whose Reflection?

Tonight in my "Stress Management for Women" class, I was talking about how embarrassed I get when I see/hear Mikaela playing with her dolls and she is seemingly constantly getting onto them or spanking them. I often worry that this is her picture of me and of motherhood. I want to think that sometimes I show her that I love her and that we have good times together, but I rarely see her acting that out. After class, we were walking to the car, and the well-lit parking lot cast our shadows on the ground as we walked. Mikaela, delighted, shouted "Look, Mommy, I'm walking in your shadow!" I welled up with tears, feeling like that was a heck of a sermon or devotional or something! In the simplicity of her statement of joy, Mikaela spoke a truth to my heart that I so often forget - I am casting a shadow over her of something, someone, on a moment-by-moment, day-by-day basis. The question is, "What shadow and who am I reflecting on her daily?" That is so convicting if I really think about what I continually reflect to her. Is it Jesus? Satan? Self? I long to have a shadow for her to walk in that is really a reflection of Jesus, so that she can truly be walking in His shadow! Oh, that I would allow God to reflect through me and that she would grow up and say, "Mommy, I am walking in Jesus' shadow!"

Happy New Year

Wow! 2010 is here already?! I remember when I graduated from high school in 2000 (yes, I am that young! haha), and I wasn't worried about Y2K or anything like that. I just remember how cool I thought it was to be graduating in the beginning of the millennium. Because Dustin and I were homeschooled and had our own graduation ceremony, lots of people made jokes about us walking down the aisle together, but in a different way! I remember thinking "Wouldn't it be weird if you 10-year reunion was us, but as a married couple?" Well, Funny story - it still won't be! It will now be me a single mom and him as the happy, newly married "Father of the Year." Ah, well. I have really been feeling beaten down the last few days, very much in hibernation mode, and I think it is because today is Dustin's birthday. Even if I don't dwell on those kind of things, I can't help it - dates stick in my head! And the fact that Mikaela is gone this weekend makes it all the more difficult.

I was thinking though, as it came to New Year's last week: What GOOD things happened in my life in 2009? Yes, it was hell on earth, a hell I still feel will never be over because things continue to be in an uproar; but what did God do that is real, tangible? My first obvious answer was "Got me through the year of hell," for I know many days His giving me breath and a beating heart was the only reason I survived the day. Second, and hugely unforgettable, is God leading me to the Singles' class at Council Road. When I knew God was leading me to a different church, there were things that He had been putting into place for over a year that I never knew would climax in my becoming part of the group and the church. No real choice to it - it just happened and I had complete peace about it. The people have loved and accepted me unconditionally, and guess what? They still do, even after knowing me for a year! :) Truth be told, they have been rocks of strength for me this year, and oftentimes, I have leaned on their faith when I just didn't have any!

Thirdly, I "remembered" that God allowed me to realize 2 important goals/plans I had wanted for my life, and didn't know exactly how they were going to work out - working from home as a medical transcriptionist and homeschooling my daughter. Every day, I am the courier for my boss, picking up and delivering the medical transcription/dictation, and Mikaela gets to go with me. I get to teach her basic courtesy principles in simple situations like elevators, holding doors for others, and money principles as well because she gets paid every time I do. Then we come home and she does her homeschool videos/papers in my room while I type. This was something I was wanting and planning to do long before the divorce, because having seen the benefits of homeschooling in my own life and family, I was excited to do that for my daughter. It has worked out better than I can imagine! She is learning to write in cursive, and is already reading 3- and some 4-letter words! It is indescribable to hear and see her excitement when she learns something new or gets an answer correct or reads blends and words on billboards we drive past. It is heartwarming and hilarious as she attempts to read much longer words and names, which of course, don't follow the phonics rules she has learned so far. It blows my mind to get to be part of her education every day, and to witness her growing and changing. I praise God that He allowed me to realize these personal dreams in a way that benefits my daughter also, and provides for us in the situation we find ourselves in.

Sorry for this long post, but I haven't written in a while, so I wanted to kind of catch up. Will close with this verse: Psalm 62:7-8 "In God is my salvation and my glory; the rock of my strength, and my refuge, is in God. Trust in Him at all times; ye people, pour out your hearts before Him: God is a refuge for us. Selah"

My inspiration - "Let the Waters Rise"

It has been a while since I posted, mainly because Mikaela and I have both been sick, but I have still been working the whole time. I wanted to post the lyrics to the amazing song that kind of inspired this blog. I have done this in hopes that it will show where I want to be and what I want to try to live out through this tough time in my life. And of course, for those of you who have or even have not heard this song, that the words at least will be a blessing and challenge to you. When I first heard this song, I broke down in tears because it just blew me away. I hope you all will enjoy it, too.

Let The Waters Rise by Mikeschair

Don't know where to begin
Its like my world's caving in
And I try but I can't control my fear
Where do I go from here?

Sometimes it's so hard to pray
When You feel so far away
But I am willing to go
Where you want me to
God, I trust You

There's a raging sea
Right in front of me
Wants to pull me in
Bring me to my knees
So let the waters rise
If You want them to
I will follow You
I will follow You
I will follow You

I will swim in the deep
'Cuz You'll be next to me
You're in the eye of the storm
And the calm of the sea
You're never out of reach

God, You know where I've been
You were there with me then
You were faithful before
You'll be faithful again
I'm holding Your hand

There's a raging sea
Right in front of me
Wants to pull me in
Bring me to my knees
So let the waters rise
If You want them to
I will follow You
I will follow You
I will follow You

God Your love is enough
You will pull me through
I'm holding onto You
God Your love is enough
I will follow You
I will follow You

Ohhh

There's a raging sea
Right in front of me
Wants to pull me in
Bring me to my knees
So let the waters rise
If You want them to
I will follow You
I will follow You
I will follow You

Ohhh

My first blog

It is hard to believe this is already October. This month marks 1 year since the events that started my desperate fall into darkness and search to climb out of a pit of despair. It is so hard not to relive all the moments and things that were said. I still feel completely shocked and in disbelief about the way my life is. I still can hardly believe that I am divorced! It is embarrassing, angering, and saddening. I am ashamed and horrified that I have that label because of a choice my husband made that only pleased him. I don't really want to be called a single mom, either, because that carries the connotation that maybe I wasn't even married, but that I just had a baby with someone who didn't stick around. I feel like I can't find a good "group umbrella" to live in or under - such frustration! Mikaela is with her dad this weekend, and she called and said she missed me, which always hurts so much! He doesn't care that he has orchestrated this difficult time in so many lives.

However, I am taking some comfort in the underlying peace of God that I have felt since yesterday morning. I specifically prayed for grace to get through the day because it was Sarah's birthday. One year ago, we were making plans and preparations for my birthday, and I had no idea Dustin was about to leave me. This year, he got to sleep with his girlfriend, and I stayed up well after midnight working extra because my boss is out of town this week. Ugh, the agony, betrayal, and rejection is mind-boggling!! I had some sad moments throughout the day, but that peace was there all day long. It was like a heaviness of peace! Bad metaphor, but that is the best way I can describe it. The peace felt so deep-rooted in my soul that the bad moments seemed bearable. It was the first time in a while, maybe ever in this process, that I have felt that peace despite difficult moments or days. I am so thankful to God for giving me that peace, and I trust that He will continue to increase that peace and decrease the pain that each of these moments and days can cause.