Jesus Calling

I received the daily devotional “Jesus Calling” for Christmas.  I was excited because I had heard a lot about it and knew several friends who recommended it.  Neither I nor the lady who gave it to me could’ve known that just days later, I would lose my job and begin what feels like just one more year of challenges.  We couldn’t have known that I would be sick for literally almost the entire month of January – going from the stomach flu to bronchitis to type A flu with strep throat to a kiddo with the flu.  During this time, we discovered the truly flexible nature of homeschooling, as my daughter spent many days on the couch watching tv and entertaining herself while I lay in bed ill.

Over the last two months, I’ve questioned why God won’t completely heal my migraines or give me a clear direction regarding employment.  I’ve been frustrated with not knowing how things were going to get paid or how long we’d be able to keep our home and car.  I’ve ached to see God fulfill the dreams and desires that I believe He’s given me, and I’ve felt crushed under the weight of being alone as I’ve watched friends deliriously happy and in love.

I’ve wondered why, after a shell-shocking divorce, difficult custody battle, move from my home, and increasing migraines, I’d lose my job and be forced to wait.  “Can’t I get a break?!” 

I’ve seen God provide in unexpected, amazing ways (as He has done many times before); I’ve seen Him provide at “the last minute” or “just in the nick of time” (believe me, I know these are not coincidences); and I’ve seen Him “not” provide; or not yet, anyway.

I’ve marveled at how quickly MK learns things and remembered what fun it is to be in control of her schooling and watch her mind literally grow as she embraces new concepts and facts.  I’ve beaten my head against the wall (well, almost) as I’ve asked “Why did I want to be home with her all day, every day?”

I have struggled with ongoing health issues, financial worry, and emotional roller coasters; I’ve been embarrassed and aggravated when people post things on facebook about “lazy people on welfare or food stamps” and wanted to scream “Some of us literally don’t have a choice!  Some of us really do it to feed our families!”  I’ve fought depression, something that so many people think is made up or is an excuse for people to be sad or withdrawn.  I have felt somewhat bothered by the “unsolicited advice” regarding migraines, though people have great intentions, when I really just wanted someone to hear me complain.  I have wondered why so many tips haven’t worked for my particular health situation.

I have heard God speak to me in quiet moments, down deep in my bones, and beg me to lean on Him and rest in His sovereignty.  He has proven again that He loves me and knows best and will provide what I need, but only when it is His time.  He has reminded me that He walked with me through my divorce and led me to a (church) home; that He protected MK through the custody battle and worked favorably on our behalf; that He moved us close enough to my family that they could bring us food or babysit MK or take me to the ER when the pain was too much; that He brought us to a new church after more than a year of searching; that He could provide for us even when my daughter asked, “How are you going to pay for the house without a job?” and I told her I didn’t know.

I am reminded that I’m a better mom than I’ve ever been and although I fail continually, I’m truly more aware of my sins than ever before.  I am humbled that He died for me and cares enough to daily provide moments of sufficient grace for the grace needed in every moment.  I believe that, more than ever, I want to follow Jesus and lean on Him, though it absolutely scares me to death.

Perhaps above all, I hope that one day, God will fulfill the dreams He’s given me; and that those dreams will bless others and glorify Him.