My first blog

It is hard to believe this is already October. This month marks 1 year since the events that started my desperate fall into darkness and search to climb out of a pit of despair. It is so hard not to relive all the moments and things that were said. I still feel completely shocked and in disbelief about the way my life is. I still can hardly believe that I am divorced! It is embarrassing, angering, and saddening. I am ashamed and horrified that I have that label because of a choice my husband made that only pleased him. I don't really want to be called a single mom, either, because that carries the connotation that maybe I wasn't even married, but that I just had a baby with someone who didn't stick around. I feel like I can't find a good "group umbrella" to live in or under - such frustration! Mikaela is with her dad this weekend, and she called and said she missed me, which always hurts so much! He doesn't care that he has orchestrated this difficult time in so many lives.

However, I am taking some comfort in the underlying peace of God that I have felt since yesterday morning. I specifically prayed for grace to get through the day because it was Sarah's birthday. One year ago, we were making plans and preparations for my birthday, and I had no idea Dustin was about to leave me. This year, he got to sleep with his girlfriend, and I stayed up well after midnight working extra because my boss is out of town this week. Ugh, the agony, betrayal, and rejection is mind-boggling!! I had some sad moments throughout the day, but that peace was there all day long. It was like a heaviness of peace! Bad metaphor, but that is the best way I can describe it. The peace felt so deep-rooted in my soul that the bad moments seemed bearable. It was the first time in a while, maybe ever in this process, that I have felt that peace despite difficult moments or days. I am so thankful to God for giving me that peace, and I trust that He will continue to increase that peace and decrease the pain that each of these moments and days can cause.