Will I ever love again?

Have you ever saved an old note, e-mail, or text from someone that meant a lot to you? Have you ever reread it over and over till the paper was soft from being handled so much? Have you ever been incredibly grateful for the confirmation "Are you sure you want to delete this message?" and clicked "No." ? Well, I have done and continue to do all these things. I am, as many of you know, a sentimental person, and I keep lots of mementos, letters, and tickets to remember various things and people. However, these great sources of joy can also be sources of pain when the person attached to them dies, leaves, or is just not in your life anymore.

So, we ask ourselves: Will I ever love again? Is it worth the pain to open up to the love and acceptance I receive? Should I enter into a relationship or friendship with this person knowing that even fellow Christians make mistakes and hurt, sometimes unintentionally? Should I join a small group, Bible study group, or Sunday school class where people will see my faults and sins and hold me accountable for them?

I submit a hearty YES to the above questions. There are times in my life when I have thought, "This hurts. The bleeding wounds of my heart are not worth it." However, I soon find myself forming new friendships and growing attached to new people. What am I thinking?! To a certain extent, this is my personality - I'm a "people person." But even more than that, I think, is that I have benefited from and/or learned something from every person I've ever had any type of relationship with. The friend whose child is in and out of the hospital who speaks peace to me every time I talk to her; the fellow single mom who has a smile on her face and never audibly complains; the new acquaintance who is my age and a widowed mother of 2 young children; the person who sent all those messages that I keep rereading, though it's painful because they are gone now; the grumpy cashier or waiter who makes me think "Is that how I sound? Yikes!"; these are all people that God has placed and allowed in my life, and I believe I can learn from each one of them. So, the question is, will I? Will I open my heart and take the risk? Will I let someone see my baggage and help me work through it? Will I let Jesus speak to me through His word and other people? Will I ever love again? Gosh, I hope so, because I don't want to be known as someone who never loved. I want to be known as one who loved fully, to the depths, and one whose love others could feel.

Jesus is . . . .

This is the text from a Christmas card I sent out a couple of years ago. I loved it so much that I kept one and posted it on the cork board above my desk. It is such an encouragement to me each time I read it:

JESUS

The Faithful One

The confidence we have . . . .

The trust we hold . . .

The hope we carry . . .

Rest in His faithfulness.

Every promise He has made

He purposes to fulfill.

He has the authority to

Accomplish all He has spoken.

His power is limitless . . .

His character changeless . . .

His love endless!

I am so thankful for Jesus and His gracious faithfulness! He has continuously reminded me of His goodness through daily provisions, large and small. He has surrounded me with unbelievably delightful family and friends, both near and far. He has carved out a niche for me in a stunningly supportive group of Christian friends at a church that accepts and loves people where they are, but is not content to leave them there. He has pushed, prodded, and carried me through what has felt like hell on earth. He has stood with me and shared my smiles on the mountaintops of victory and joy. Even when life is too much and I just can't do it, face it, live it, or deal with it - He is Jesus, and I know He is there. Though my heart is hurting and I can't feel Him, I know in my head He is with me and will bring me through.

I am so thankful that He loves me enough to have died for my salvation and to continually intercede on my behalf to Almighty God!

White Roses

Ever done something that you truly believed in your heart was the best decision, but maybe overreacted and did something hasty, or (dare I say it?) stupid? Well, that is how I started the day on Friday. In the course of those actions, I hurt a dear friend that I love very much. While I worried and stewed about that decision during the course of the day, I got a phone call from Mikaela, crying "I don't wanna come home. I want to stay with Daddy." Ugh! If you are in any way involved in custody, adoption, or divorce issues, you know how much that can hurt, even though our kids don't mean to be hurtful. A couple of hours later, Mikaela came home, but not without difficulties from her dad, which ended with a 911 call. In the meantime, I watched the minutes tick away, putting me later and later to my arrival at the Single Mother's Conference. By the time it all was said and done, I wanted to kick my shoes off, order pizza, and lock the door. However, I knew I would get something amazing out of the conference, and that Mikaela and I had both been looking forward to it since last year's conference. So I sucked up my tears and went. I barely arrived as they were ushering ladies into the auditorium to start. As I hurried to the door where I knew I would receive a flower (they give each mom one every year), I said a silent prayer "Jesus, please calm me and set my mind at ease to enjoy this conference." When I got to the door, the lady said "Choose a rose, hon." There were two lovely peach buds, both pretty but barely open. Then I saw it - as if the skies opened and the "Hallelujah Chorus" played - A perfect white rose, my favorite flower in the whole world, opened to the height of its beauty. "I'll take the white one," I said audibly, while silently smiling "Thanks, Jesus."

I did have a fantastic weekend at the conference - cried, laughed, learned, prayed. I still wish I could unhurt my friend or wish Mikaela didn't miss her dad so much. I still cringe at the thought of her leaving to visit him for 2 weeks straight, during which time we have our custody hearing. But when I look at the rose in a vase on my table, I am reminded that Jesus sees and cares about all those things. And that He even cares about the little things.

Will you see the "white roses" in your life? Will you pray for them? They are reminders that Jesus loves you so much! He sees and cares!

Captivating? Me? (Part One)

I was not part of the pretty or popular girls growing up. I made straight A's without studying, didn't go to movie theaters, didn't wear makeup or date, and had parents who were on staff at the church and Christian school. My dad was the principal and wanted any guy interested in me to go through him, and there were not really any takers. When I was 14, a guy I met in a different state wrote my dad and asked if he could correspond with me through letters, and my dad said "Yes." We wrote back and forth for a couple years, and once he even came to El Paso and met my parents. However, he made some bad choices and ended up going to jail for a while. My senior year of high school, I met Dustin, and he quickly showed an interest in pursuing me. I tried to hold him at bay because I was already enrolled in Pensacola Christian College in Pensacola, FL. However, my feelings changed quickly, and we began dating. Most of our relationship was long distance, as he went to a college in California.

At the age of 20, with an Associate's Degree in hand, I married him, feeling pursued, adored, worshipped even, but I don't think truly beautiful. In the first 18 months of our marriage, I had gained quite a bit of weight, and I gained a lot more once I became pregnant with Mikaela. The week before she was born, on our second wedding anniversary, our apartment burned down. I was so devastated and traumatized, and I often wonder what would have happened to me if I had not had Mikaela to take care of. However, I could easily see and recognize God's Faithful Hand of protection and provision. It took me a long time to get over what had happened, though, and I had nightmares about it for over a year. In 2006, I began online classes for medical transcription, to "refresh" what I had learned for my degree and aim towards working at home. I felt happy with life and loved being a stay-home mom to my beautiful baby girl, but often had low self-esteem because of the extra baby weight that I struggled to lose.

II Corinthians 4:6-12

"For God, who commanded the light to shine out of darkness, hath shined in our hearts, to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ.
But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellency of the power may be of God, and not of us.
WE ARE TROUBLED ON EVERY SIDE, YET NOT DISTRESSED; WE ARE PERPLEXED, BUT NOT IN DESPAIR
PERSECUTED, BUT NOT FORSAKEN; CAST DOWN, BUT NOT DESTROYED.
Always bearing about in the body the dying of the Lord Jesus, that the life also of Jesus might be made manifest in our body.
For we which live are alway delivered unto death for Jesus' sake, that the life also of Jesus might be made manifest in our mortal flesh.
So then death worketh in us, but life in you."

Wow! Would to God that I could live like I truly believe and feel these verses! Really encouraging and challenging to me!

Whose Reflection?

Tonight in my "Stress Management for Women" class, I was talking about how embarrassed I get when I see/hear Mikaela playing with her dolls and she is seemingly constantly getting onto them or spanking them. I often worry that this is her picture of me and of motherhood. I want to think that sometimes I show her that I love her and that we have good times together, but I rarely see her acting that out. After class, we were walking to the car, and the well-lit parking lot cast our shadows on the ground as we walked. Mikaela, delighted, shouted "Look, Mommy, I'm walking in your shadow!" I welled up with tears, feeling like that was a heck of a sermon or devotional or something! In the simplicity of her statement of joy, Mikaela spoke a truth to my heart that I so often forget - I am casting a shadow over her of something, someone, on a moment-by-moment, day-by-day basis. The question is, "What shadow and who am I reflecting on her daily?" That is so convicting if I really think about what I continually reflect to her. Is it Jesus? Satan? Self? I long to have a shadow for her to walk in that is really a reflection of Jesus, so that she can truly be walking in His shadow! Oh, that I would allow God to reflect through me and that she would grow up and say, "Mommy, I am walking in Jesus' shadow!"

Happy New Year

Wow! 2010 is here already?! I remember when I graduated from high school in 2000 (yes, I am that young! haha), and I wasn't worried about Y2K or anything like that. I just remember how cool I thought it was to be graduating in the beginning of the millennium. Because Dustin and I were homeschooled and had our own graduation ceremony, lots of people made jokes about us walking down the aisle together, but in a different way! I remember thinking "Wouldn't it be weird if you 10-year reunion was us, but as a married couple?" Well, Funny story - it still won't be! It will now be me a single mom and him as the happy, newly married "Father of the Year." Ah, well. I have really been feeling beaten down the last few days, very much in hibernation mode, and I think it is because today is Dustin's birthday. Even if I don't dwell on those kind of things, I can't help it - dates stick in my head! And the fact that Mikaela is gone this weekend makes it all the more difficult.

I was thinking though, as it came to New Year's last week: What GOOD things happened in my life in 2009? Yes, it was hell on earth, a hell I still feel will never be over because things continue to be in an uproar; but what did God do that is real, tangible? My first obvious answer was "Got me through the year of hell," for I know many days His giving me breath and a beating heart was the only reason I survived the day. Second, and hugely unforgettable, is God leading me to the Singles' class at Council Road. When I knew God was leading me to a different church, there were things that He had been putting into place for over a year that I never knew would climax in my becoming part of the group and the church. No real choice to it - it just happened and I had complete peace about it. The people have loved and accepted me unconditionally, and guess what? They still do, even after knowing me for a year! :) Truth be told, they have been rocks of strength for me this year, and oftentimes, I have leaned on their faith when I just didn't have any!

Thirdly, I "remembered" that God allowed me to realize 2 important goals/plans I had wanted for my life, and didn't know exactly how they were going to work out - working from home as a medical transcriptionist and homeschooling my daughter. Every day, I am the courier for my boss, picking up and delivering the medical transcription/dictation, and Mikaela gets to go with me. I get to teach her basic courtesy principles in simple situations like elevators, holding doors for others, and money principles as well because she gets paid every time I do. Then we come home and she does her homeschool videos/papers in my room while I type. This was something I was wanting and planning to do long before the divorce, because having seen the benefits of homeschooling in my own life and family, I was excited to do that for my daughter. It has worked out better than I can imagine! She is learning to write in cursive, and is already reading 3- and some 4-letter words! It is indescribable to hear and see her excitement when she learns something new or gets an answer correct or reads blends and words on billboards we drive past. It is heartwarming and hilarious as she attempts to read much longer words and names, which of course, don't follow the phonics rules she has learned so far. It blows my mind to get to be part of her education every day, and to witness her growing and changing. I praise God that He allowed me to realize these personal dreams in a way that benefits my daughter also, and provides for us in the situation we find ourselves in.

Sorry for this long post, but I haven't written in a while, so I wanted to kind of catch up. Will close with this verse: Psalm 62:7-8 "In God is my salvation and my glory; the rock of my strength, and my refuge, is in God. Trust in Him at all times; ye people, pour out your hearts before Him: God is a refuge for us. Selah"