Captivating? Me? (Part One)

I was not part of the pretty or popular girls growing up. I made straight A's without studying, didn't go to movie theaters, didn't wear makeup or date, and had parents who were on staff at the church and Christian school. My dad was the principal and wanted any guy interested in me to go through him, and there were not really any takers. When I was 14, a guy I met in a different state wrote my dad and asked if he could correspond with me through letters, and my dad said "Yes." We wrote back and forth for a couple years, and once he even came to El Paso and met my parents. However, he made some bad choices and ended up going to jail for a while. My senior year of high school, I met Dustin, and he quickly showed an interest in pursuing me. I tried to hold him at bay because I was already enrolled in Pensacola Christian College in Pensacola, FL. However, my feelings changed quickly, and we began dating. Most of our relationship was long distance, as he went to a college in California.

At the age of 20, with an Associate's Degree in hand, I married him, feeling pursued, adored, worshipped even, but I don't think truly beautiful. In the first 18 months of our marriage, I had gained quite a bit of weight, and I gained a lot more once I became pregnant with Mikaela. The week before she was born, on our second wedding anniversary, our apartment burned down. I was so devastated and traumatized, and I often wonder what would have happened to me if I had not had Mikaela to take care of. However, I could easily see and recognize God's Faithful Hand of protection and provision. It took me a long time to get over what had happened, though, and I had nightmares about it for over a year. In 2006, I began online classes for medical transcription, to "refresh" what I had learned for my degree and aim towards working at home. I felt happy with life and loved being a stay-home mom to my beautiful baby girl, but often had low self-esteem because of the extra baby weight that I struggled to lose.

II Corinthians 4:6-12

"For God, who commanded the light to shine out of darkness, hath shined in our hearts, to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ.
But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellency of the power may be of God, and not of us.
WE ARE TROUBLED ON EVERY SIDE, YET NOT DISTRESSED; WE ARE PERPLEXED, BUT NOT IN DESPAIR
PERSECUTED, BUT NOT FORSAKEN; CAST DOWN, BUT NOT DESTROYED.
Always bearing about in the body the dying of the Lord Jesus, that the life also of Jesus might be made manifest in our body.
For we which live are alway delivered unto death for Jesus' sake, that the life also of Jesus might be made manifest in our mortal flesh.
So then death worketh in us, but life in you."

Wow! Would to God that I could live like I truly believe and feel these verses! Really encouraging and challenging to me!

Whose Reflection?

Tonight in my "Stress Management for Women" class, I was talking about how embarrassed I get when I see/hear Mikaela playing with her dolls and she is seemingly constantly getting onto them or spanking them. I often worry that this is her picture of me and of motherhood. I want to think that sometimes I show her that I love her and that we have good times together, but I rarely see her acting that out. After class, we were walking to the car, and the well-lit parking lot cast our shadows on the ground as we walked. Mikaela, delighted, shouted "Look, Mommy, I'm walking in your shadow!" I welled up with tears, feeling like that was a heck of a sermon or devotional or something! In the simplicity of her statement of joy, Mikaela spoke a truth to my heart that I so often forget - I am casting a shadow over her of something, someone, on a moment-by-moment, day-by-day basis. The question is, "What shadow and who am I reflecting on her daily?" That is so convicting if I really think about what I continually reflect to her. Is it Jesus? Satan? Self? I long to have a shadow for her to walk in that is really a reflection of Jesus, so that she can truly be walking in His shadow! Oh, that I would allow God to reflect through me and that she would grow up and say, "Mommy, I am walking in Jesus' shadow!"

Happy New Year

Wow! 2010 is here already?! I remember when I graduated from high school in 2000 (yes, I am that young! haha), and I wasn't worried about Y2K or anything like that. I just remember how cool I thought it was to be graduating in the beginning of the millennium. Because Dustin and I were homeschooled and had our own graduation ceremony, lots of people made jokes about us walking down the aisle together, but in a different way! I remember thinking "Wouldn't it be weird if you 10-year reunion was us, but as a married couple?" Well, Funny story - it still won't be! It will now be me a single mom and him as the happy, newly married "Father of the Year." Ah, well. I have really been feeling beaten down the last few days, very much in hibernation mode, and I think it is because today is Dustin's birthday. Even if I don't dwell on those kind of things, I can't help it - dates stick in my head! And the fact that Mikaela is gone this weekend makes it all the more difficult.

I was thinking though, as it came to New Year's last week: What GOOD things happened in my life in 2009? Yes, it was hell on earth, a hell I still feel will never be over because things continue to be in an uproar; but what did God do that is real, tangible? My first obvious answer was "Got me through the year of hell," for I know many days His giving me breath and a beating heart was the only reason I survived the day. Second, and hugely unforgettable, is God leading me to the Singles' class at Council Road. When I knew God was leading me to a different church, there were things that He had been putting into place for over a year that I never knew would climax in my becoming part of the group and the church. No real choice to it - it just happened and I had complete peace about it. The people have loved and accepted me unconditionally, and guess what? They still do, even after knowing me for a year! :) Truth be told, they have been rocks of strength for me this year, and oftentimes, I have leaned on their faith when I just didn't have any!

Thirdly, I "remembered" that God allowed me to realize 2 important goals/plans I had wanted for my life, and didn't know exactly how they were going to work out - working from home as a medical transcriptionist and homeschooling my daughter. Every day, I am the courier for my boss, picking up and delivering the medical transcription/dictation, and Mikaela gets to go with me. I get to teach her basic courtesy principles in simple situations like elevators, holding doors for others, and money principles as well because she gets paid every time I do. Then we come home and she does her homeschool videos/papers in my room while I type. This was something I was wanting and planning to do long before the divorce, because having seen the benefits of homeschooling in my own life and family, I was excited to do that for my daughter. It has worked out better than I can imagine! She is learning to write in cursive, and is already reading 3- and some 4-letter words! It is indescribable to hear and see her excitement when she learns something new or gets an answer correct or reads blends and words on billboards we drive past. It is heartwarming and hilarious as she attempts to read much longer words and names, which of course, don't follow the phonics rules she has learned so far. It blows my mind to get to be part of her education every day, and to witness her growing and changing. I praise God that He allowed me to realize these personal dreams in a way that benefits my daughter also, and provides for us in the situation we find ourselves in.

Sorry for this long post, but I haven't written in a while, so I wanted to kind of catch up. Will close with this verse: Psalm 62:7-8 "In God is my salvation and my glory; the rock of my strength, and my refuge, is in God. Trust in Him at all times; ye people, pour out your hearts before Him: God is a refuge for us. Selah"