Face not Embrace

Hello, old heartache, familiar friend.  Tisn’t been long, but has been longer than before.  I must say, I’ve come to expect you and am no longer as shocked by your appearances.  I now know you’re not an enemy to be feared but rather a part of me, a part of life, and I shall treat you as such.  I choose to face you, but I will not embrace you.  I will not allow you to control my day or bombard my thoughts.  This doesn’t change the depth of pain or the sorrow I feel.  The ache of unfulfilled dreams and the longing for something more, something better, still tug at my heart.  My innermost being still cannot comprehend the tragedy you represent, and my brain cannot process the changes that have come because of it.

There are many who seem so far ahead of me in the healing process – how I long to be farther than where I am!  So many days I feel like I am all alone.  Yet I see in my life and heart the progress I have made, by God’s grace, and I’m humbled that He’s never let me down or let me go.  He has used you to teach me so many lessons, and I don’t think I would trade any of them.  Yes, I often have thought I would rather not see you so much or ever, for that matter; but I know that you bring with you the peace and presence of my Father in ways that I could never have imagined.

I’m so grateful to know that I don’t have to live with the stigma of depression or loneliness, for it is a part of life, for some people more than others.  I don’t have to be ashamed or embarrassed of what my past holds or the hurt it has brought me, but rather I can talk about it.  I can expose you - the ugly part of my life - and perhaps, bring comfort to someone who is living with their own ugly.  Maybe a forgotten soul or someone who has never been allowed or encouraged to speak up will know that it is okay to recognize pain and to feel it. 

You aren’t a good friend, and you’re no fun to be around.  But, you are a real part of life; a part that is so often hidden or ignored, which I believe only strengthens your resolve and gives you power you don’t deserve.  So I will face you, not embrace you.  I will not tremble when I feel you coming.  I may dislike, even loathe you, when I see you.  But I will face you head on, knowing that I have God on my side; and He will face you with me, as He has always done.

Hello, old heartache, familiar friend.  I feel you fighting me today.  I will face you but not embrace you.