Monday, July 22, 2013

The Dark Side of Single Parenting

I value honesty.  I always have, but since I went through a difficult divorce and all that followed, I came to love it even more.  The people at the church I began attending when I left my old one taught me about honesty within the church family and how it allows for a much better sense of community.  The openness with our struggles allows us to pray for each other more specifically, meet each other’s physical needs on a more practical level, and experience God’s grace in amazing ways.  It is for that reason that I’ve decided to write this.  I’m not looking for pity; but rather I want to give you some insight into what I and probably many other single parents you might know face/experience.  Perhaps this will help you know how you can pray for and minister to them, even if they aren’t as open about things as I am or even when they don’t ask for help.

I know that I’m very blessed to be physically close to my parents and have a great relationship with them, but I never wanted to be so dependent on them at age 30.  This is especially true when it comes to raising my daughter.  I’m so grateful for my parents’ willingness to help with babysitting and homeschooling, though, because that allows me to continue the dream I had of homeschooling her even though I can’t do it myself.
I know that being unemployed for nearly 4 months earlier this year was nerve-wracking and concerning.  I got a great tax return and depleted my emergency fund which helped, but man:  if there was ever a time I wished I was in a two-income household, that was it!

Sometimes, I tire of defending myself.  I know my daughter hears me explaining (and already knows) that she should obey and respect me because I’m her mother, but I often think it would help to have a reminder coming from someone else. J

Although I appreciate the sentiment behind it, it makes me somewhat sad when people talk about my being both parents to my daughter.  I’m not; I can’t.  She needs a dad, and she doesn’t have one.  That’s heartbreaking to me, and I pray God’s grace can help cover that!

I find myself now a “member” of nearly every group that people stereotype and badmouth, but I never wanted to land in any of them.  Please choose your words and facebook memes carefully:  not all of us wanted to be divorcees or receive government assistance.

I know lots of people, even my friends, might think I use the “single mom” card as an excuse, but it’s just the reality of my life - just as you might talk about not coming to an event because your husband has to work or your infant needs to go to bed early.

It is very difficult for me when my dating/married friends brag on facebook about their significant others, then comment on my posts about being single with something like “God loves you!”  Here’s the truth of it:  I’m glad your “other” is awesome!  God DOES love me! But sometimes, being single just stinks.  And remember, I’ve been in the awesome.  I do know what I’m missing.  I ache for it.  Almost daily. And you were single once, too.  Try to remember how lonely it gets and how hard it is sometimes.  Although your intentions may be incredibly honorable, the written word can come across as patronizing.  God is more amazing than I will ever be able to fathom, but my heart longs for the human companionship that He created me to enjoy.  Some days, I just want to vent about that.

I know that despite the absolute devastation I feel about Mamie’s death, I had an incredibly blessed few days with my family.  I will never forget that time!  I also know that I felt I was suffering silently because it was days before what would’ve been my 10th wedding anniversary, and I was mourning alone while all the other adults were comforted by their spouses.

I am all for girl power and describe myself as a conservative feminist, but it’s true:  God didn’t create women to have to bear the burden of being the head of the household.  Some days, it’s just too much.

Overall, MK has an easygoing spirit and heart willing to serve.  But, like all children, she is a sinner and sometimes it shows.  Sometimes when it shows, I’d give anything to give someone else a turn at disciplining.  I know I don’t always do it best, and it’d be nice to have someone else’s input.  God is teaching me a lot about walking away, cooling off, and controlling my temper.  I’ve spent many a minute on my bed sobbing with my Bible open while I prayed, not even to a particular passage, but just to have the Word open.   I’ve got millions of miles to go.

I hate going places alone, and I miss having a lover’s hand to hold or someone to kiss goodnight.   I miss having friends, any friends, to hang out with or sit by in church.  I love texting and facebook, but sometimes it is really hard having that as my social life.

I now find myself with a broken-down car and having to try to save the money to get it fixed.  I also find myself with a basically permanently injured shoulder that is continually aggravated by working and sleeping every day.  These daily frustrations make me wish I had someone to come home to and talk about it; someone to help pay for things; someone to drive me to work who lived in the same house.  They also make it difficult to attend my church on a regular basis, which is another thing that I know affects my daughter.  It feels so unfair that my health problems or issues I have no control over can also keep my child from her community of believers.


So, are you depressed yet?  Do you think I’m a big baby, a complainer?  That’s okay with me.  I’ve been called worse by worse people. J  Or maybe I’ve brought to mind someone you know.  Maybe a single parent who could use your help.  Could you take them a meal?  Babysit for a couple hours?  Spend a little time visiting at their house or go with them to take their kids to the park?  Do you have the financial resources to be a blessing to someone who is too proud to ask but desperately needs it? Would you take the time to get the address of a single friend (with no kids) and drop them a card in the mail or take them to lunch? We have a God Who is exceedingly capable of providing every single need, but He so often wants us to be part of it!  I was married for six years and had struggles then, too.  I know that single parents aren’t the only ones who get depressed and need encouragement.  I’m just writing from my personal perspective.  Perhaps you know someone, in any scenario, who you can encourage today!

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